the beginning.

This first entry will more than likely be the longest. I guess I should start off by introducing myself. Hello, my name is Misha, and I am an alcoholic. I guess you're wondering what gave me the urge to create this blog? Well, simply put, I just needed somewhere to post my thoughts and feelings as I begin this new chapter of my life, and continue (HOPEFULLY) to walk in this light. You see there is always a beginning to every story, this one happens to have a very new beginning for it wasn't until just recently that I recognized and came to terms with the fact that I am an alcoholic.  It also wasn't long after this discovery that I decided to seek help.  How do you just all of the sudden wake up and make the realization that you're an alcoholic?? Well for me it came in the form of a crash, literally. On Saturday, July 9, 2011 at 1AM I decided that it was a bright idea to take my car for a spin after I had been heavily drinking since way earlier (I probably began around 7 or 8 pm that previous night).  I can't give you all of the details because I can honestly say I don't know how my car ended up wrapping itself around that tree. Even now when I think about it, it's all very surreal as if some dream or far off memory.  The only evidence I have of it actually being a real instance: My court date scheduled for my pending DUI (amongst other pending charges), and photographs of my demolished vehicle. Oh and trust me...those images don't even do the real-life viewing any kind of justice.  I couldn't even fucking breathe when I saw it in the junk yard.

Anyways so my accident was the final straw. The straw that broke the camels back....the determining factor in the outcome of the rest of my life...Because it made me realize that I really did have to make a choice...Keep living the life that you do, and die really soon...Or stop being such a hard headed idiot and choose to find yourself some help.

Before my accident I definitely couldn't see the severity of my life's situation. I mean...I had myself really fooled and fucked up. I started drinking when I was 16 years old, actually I might have even been 15. You know what?  It was 15.  I had my first kiss when I was wasted at 15 years old, yeah, that was a waste.  There are many things which I will not go into detail about (for the sake of saving room for other things, but there may be a time for them later) in this entry, but anyways, soo many things that I did whilst drunk, which I cannot take back, these things were sooo embarrassing, and stupid, thus making me come across as someone who had little self respect, not to mention intelligence (which I lack neither).  I was a true example of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide.  I blacked out frequently, turned on my friends, acted foolish and selfish, told many white lies, and the list goes on and on.  I could probably write a book about my terrible behavior. It's simply just not worth it though. My true problem was this...THERE WAS NO LIMIT TO THE AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL I WOULD ALLOW TO ENTER MY BODY ONCE I TOOK THE FIRST SIP.  It was like this ANYTIME I drank.  I drank simply to get drunk, to drown myself in the bottle until it would consume me, and then I would no longer be able to control who I was.  I can't exactly pin-point when this behavior began. I might never get to the root of it all, but I won't let that stop me from turning my life around, not anymore.  My friend who I will give the name Audrey for the sake of anonymity reached out to me a few days following my accident. She said many things to me that made me FINALLY realize...It is TIME to wake up.  YOU ARE BEING SO FOOLISH.  STOP TIPTOEING ON THE LINE OF LIFE AND DEATH. She said this:


"You have had some tragic things happen to you beyond your control and you are spinning out. I think that you have low self-esteem and I don't know why because you are one of the most bright, beautiful, talented people I have ever had the fortune to have met. You are a talented singer, you are always on the cutting edge of finding great emerging music and artists, you are a creative writer and artist, and you are infinitely caring for all children. And you are afraid to trust people because most of your friends have hurt or betrayed you in the past. Marie, Agyness, Anita, just to name a few, have all done shitty things to you in the past. Because you are so afraid to invest yourself in people that you could really belong to you allow yourself to get attached to shitty people like that who put up obvious red flags right away. You hang out with other damaged, broken people because you think that you are somehow unfix-able and you are not god damn it. You are not selfish and mean the way that they are. Stop acting like it. Hanging out with shitty people does not give you a green light to be shitty. They are mean to you, they make fun of you, they make you feel nervous and uncomfortable, but most of all they make you feel like behaving like a complete disaster is acceptable when it isn't. And I get it, it is hard to hang out with people who have their shit together, too, because they make you feel even worse about not having your shit together. But you need to get your shit together because failing to do so could bring your life to an end.

I think you think that "having your shit together" means being this impossible person who doesn't swear, drink, smoke, do drugs, has a boyfriend, and a degree. But it doesn't. Having your shit together means being happy with yourself, your life, and the direction your life is headed. Think hard about that. Are you happy with yourself? With your life? With the direction your life is headed?

You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved the way you want to be loved, but you are not going to achieve those goals the way you are living right now. The way that you are thinking right now. Because frankly your attitude is pissing me off. "Oh this bad thing happened and this is my life and that's just how it goes because Jesus has a plan for my life that I can't know so I shouldn't even try to fix things myself." Maybe that's not how you think you are thinking about it, but you are coming off that way. And just in case you think I am being an anti-Christian jerk, let me tell you that when you pledge to believe in Christianity you make a covenant with Christ to uphold Christian values. And one major Christian value is taking care of yourself and making the best of your life that you possibly can because your life is a blessed gift from God. And doing his work is loving thyself and others to the fullest possible extent that you can. Are you doing that? Stop making excuses for yourself and for your circumstances and take control of your life.

The first thing you need to do to take control is to get help. You cannot do this alone. You are a in a big deep hole. And you need help to get out of it. You can't get out of it alone. And I am up here towards the top, clawing my way out, too, doing my best to get to the top so that I can pull you out, but I can't help you get out because I'm still in that hole with you. But you owe it to yourself to fix the way that you view the world so that getting rid of the toxic people in your life becomes an obvious decision. So that drinking to get drunk to forget about pain and loneliness isn't something you do any more. So that you don't surround yourself with people who hurt your feelings who you are too afraid to confront without the mask of a few beers to hide behind when you tell them what you really think of them and their shittiness. GET HELP GET HELP GET HELP. You need to talk about the dark place that you go to when you have too much to drink, where you think about Timmy [my little brother who died when he was still a baby] and your fears about relationships and love. Because those things need to be talked about when you're sober. And you need someone to keep you on task to work on them and to deal with them. You need help. And I can say that now because you almost killed yourself in a car accident because you had too much to drink. Please get help."

This is really what made me decide to get the fuck off my ass and to start taking control of me because my friend Audrey, she was right....I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO IS CAPABLE OF TURNING THIS AROUND.  ME.  If I wanted to sit and continue to waller in self pity, well so be it...but I would have to continue to live with my miserable self...no one else but me could really change that, but me.

So about two weeks after my accident, after I finally had enough of feeling sorry for myself, I made the decision to attend my first meeting of 12 step program that I hope will change the rest of my life.  I know for sure it was definitely the first step in the right direction.  I can't believe how great I feel about myself, even just after a month of pure sobriety, and Audrey was right...I had a lot of weed eating to do in the garden of my life. Oh and I definitely needed a new perspective.  No, I don't have a false sense of happiness.  There are still days when I wake up and things don't go right, but today those things are bearable, and I don't have to drink away the sadness or anger anymore.  I choose to feel today.  I choose to face things, because I was running out of space to cram away my problems.  It just wasn't feasible anymore. In my previous life style I always claimed that I "appreciated the little things", and today?? I know I didn't even know what "the little things" were...I was too busy being selfish.  Now, each day is filled with new discoveries of all of the MILLIONS of "little things" I thought I was "appreciating" before. 

Today. I choose life.  I choose to live in this moment. I am not perfect, and my past is full of dark, silly things, but that's the past, and in order to fully move on I must leave it to the memory books.  For these clocks don't stop ticking, and if I had continued to walk down the path I had previously chosen, I would have been running out of time.

I would like to say this as well. I do believe in a higher power.  I know my faith has not always been the greatest, and up until very recently I turned my back on the one who really could save me, because I felt like  I wasn't worth the time, not to mention I knew the life I was living wasn't up to par.  I guess I just thought that turning my back on him would in turn make him turn his back on me, too.  I guess it doesn't really work that way does it?

I love this prayer that we open up every meeting with:  God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.  The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

A month ago...I was too busy future tripping to live in the moment.  Right now, I thank God for this moment that I am still alive.  As I type these words and see them appear on this computer screen in front of my eyes. Hell, I'm even a different person now than I was last week.  Last week there was a girl that demanded that this "bitch" aka ME give her the $40 dollars of an IOU that she deserved.  Well guess what, I didn't handle that very well a week ago.  I wanted to hunt her down and punch her in the face. Now?  If I saw her....I'd give her the forty dollars I owe her.  She was right. I was a bitch, but I'm not anymore, and I would like to show her that, too.

Who is in control of the direction your life takes and who is in control of your actions?  Only you.
Is it okay to ask for help every now and then? Absolutely, don't be foolish, you know when you need to seek help. Don't deny yourself of that.
Can things really turn around for you? Yes, YES THEY CAN.

<3 life is not just black and white. it's colorful and wonderful, don't be too busy future tripping or feeling sorry for yourself to appreciate all of the millions of little things.

I know that this recovery will last throughout the rest of my life, but that's okay with me.  I am going to use this journal to blog anything I am feeling or thinking related to my alcoholism. Feel free to comment or ask any questions. Thank you so much for tuning in.

-M.