Sunday, December 25, 2016
Monday, December 19, 2016
Running on E: Mentally, Physically, and Spiritually exhausted.
I'm tired.
I think my last post was about happiness, and within the past few months, that concept has somehow eluded me.
I've been meaning to blog for a really long time because for whatever reason that always helps me when I'm down in the dumps, and I have been down there lately, just at an all time low. There are a lot of factors that play into this: I started working a 2/3 split of 12 hr nights last April, when I have time off I don't get to do much but catch up on sleep (which doesn't leave much room for socialization), when I am socializing I'm a shell of a person because I am usually forcing myself to stay awake, I'm not very pleasant to be around, so I've formed a lot of resentments towards people and I'm sure a lot of people aren't too fond of me. This job has literally transformed me into my very worst self, and I'm not even drinking, oh and not to mention I don't go to church, work out, or go to AA meetings regularly.
I'm not okay. I don't want your advice. I'm just here to type. I don't want you to fix me, I just want you to listen to my problems. I don't think anti depressants will work this one out.
I haven't been working out and my hormones are all out of wack, this has caused me to gain weight, and the weight gain is hard to shake because I know the best solution to this problem is to make healthier choices, but when you work night shift--- it puts so much stress on your body, and when you're stressed you want to eat more, do less-- EVEN IF YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD BE DOING THE OPPOSITE. I really do think I'm in some sort of weird state of acknowledged depression, but even though I am AWARE, it's still hard to break the continuous cycle.
So yes, I've been meaning to write, but there's nothing really to say except for that I don't particularly like myself very much, and probably don't particularly like you either, but I wouldn't tell you that to your face, and don't ask me how I am when you see me in public. You could either get one of two respsonses: "I'm doing really well" in that super fake tone OR "I'm not doing so good.. blah blah blah... wah wah wah..."
I'm applying to Occupational Therapy school. Sometimes our dreams change, I have had many people question whether or not I'm making the right choice, and I just want to smack people.....Is this your life????? I didn't think so...Thank you for your concern, now good bye.
I'm so tired of the outside world and all of its influences in my life. I just want to have my own voice and I can't remember what that sounds like anymore...I've been allowing people's opinions persuade me for way too long----and social media only contributes more to that madness... which is why I've deleted my FB and deactivated my IG.
I'm going to recreate myself, again, be reborn out of the ashes, like a phoenix.
If I've been ugly to you in the past 5-6 months. I really am sorry. It's nothing personal, I'm just really not doing so well spiritually, which causes me to lash out at people who get in my way. Most of the time it's not you, it's me.
I can't remember why I started writing this, but I feel a lot better now.
I think my last post was about happiness, and within the past few months, that concept has somehow eluded me.
I've been meaning to blog for a really long time because for whatever reason that always helps me when I'm down in the dumps, and I have been down there lately, just at an all time low. There are a lot of factors that play into this: I started working a 2/3 split of 12 hr nights last April, when I have time off I don't get to do much but catch up on sleep (which doesn't leave much room for socialization), when I am socializing I'm a shell of a person because I am usually forcing myself to stay awake, I'm not very pleasant to be around, so I've formed a lot of resentments towards people and I'm sure a lot of people aren't too fond of me. This job has literally transformed me into my very worst self, and I'm not even drinking, oh and not to mention I don't go to church, work out, or go to AA meetings regularly.
I'm not okay. I don't want your advice. I'm just here to type. I don't want you to fix me, I just want you to listen to my problems. I don't think anti depressants will work this one out.
I haven't been working out and my hormones are all out of wack, this has caused me to gain weight, and the weight gain is hard to shake because I know the best solution to this problem is to make healthier choices, but when you work night shift--- it puts so much stress on your body, and when you're stressed you want to eat more, do less-- EVEN IF YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD BE DOING THE OPPOSITE. I really do think I'm in some sort of weird state of acknowledged depression, but even though I am AWARE, it's still hard to break the continuous cycle.
So yes, I've been meaning to write, but there's nothing really to say except for that I don't particularly like myself very much, and probably don't particularly like you either, but I wouldn't tell you that to your face, and don't ask me how I am when you see me in public. You could either get one of two respsonses: "I'm doing really well" in that super fake tone OR "I'm not doing so good.. blah blah blah... wah wah wah..."
I'm applying to Occupational Therapy school. Sometimes our dreams change, I have had many people question whether or not I'm making the right choice, and I just want to smack people.....Is this your life????? I didn't think so...Thank you for your concern, now good bye.
I'm so tired of the outside world and all of its influences in my life. I just want to have my own voice and I can't remember what that sounds like anymore...I've been allowing people's opinions persuade me for way too long----and social media only contributes more to that madness... which is why I've deleted my FB and deactivated my IG.
I'm going to recreate myself, again, be reborn out of the ashes, like a phoenix.
If I've been ugly to you in the past 5-6 months. I really am sorry. It's nothing personal, I'm just really not doing so well spiritually, which causes me to lash out at people who get in my way. Most of the time it's not you, it's me.
I can't remember why I started writing this, but I feel a lot better now.
Monday, February 8, 2016
Happiness
I've been thinking a lot lately. I think that thinking too much, for me at least, is very dangerous territory.
However, this time, I've been thinkng a lot about happiness and what do I need to acquire in order to remain (relatively) happy?
I think my fondest memories, ones that I seek to relive, are found in my childhood. There's a special friend in meetings that always says refinding his childlike nature is a by product of working the steps.
I agree with this because 9 times out of 10 my worries and problems are of my own making. When I was 5 (besides sadness) I didn't really have any problems. No worries. Happiness was effortless and today it can be the same.
I know how to find happiness within myself today. So when people think they are important enough to fulfill my happiness it makes me laugh, or when j make the mistake of thinkng one person can make me feel validated, happy, sane... I'm making a mistake.
I'm tired of searching for someone that I fear doesn't exist. The guy of my dreams isn't going to be found on some dating website... He's not going to be found in a bar and honestly he's not so much going to be found anywhere but behind me or I infront of me waiting for our paths to cross, but not really searching for the intersection.
I am done. You can have it. Here it is. I am letting you have this. I have proven to myself time and time again that I am not good. My picker is broken, and the decisions I make for myself are always bad. You can have it now.
Misha
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